I had a good week - veeery busy, productive, exhausting. I went to the gym, I did a dance workout with Lauren, I worked, I auditioned almost every day (and worked simultaneously, don't ask me how but I did it) I ordered and picked up new headshots, I rehearsed. Good for me. I felt very illustrious and proud.
Then the weekend came and I didn't stop. I went to a dance call on Saturday morning, followed by groceries, cleaning, a tap performance and a Birthday party then today a final tap performance and now finally I have stopped
Even Saturday's open call from which I was cut didn't bring me down, although it entailed getting up at 6 and putting on a full face at 9am. I was still feeling energised and good by the time I left at 12.
But by the time I had to make my way down to East 13th st to perform in this showcase thing, I was just about done with life and that feeling has lasted. Essentially I'm tired and I feel like I battled heroically through the week only to find that I'm exactly where I began. It's disheartening. And that's a poisonous feeling for someone like me. If you let even a tiny bit in it can be very hard to climb back out of the abyss of despair into which you will fall.
After the showcase today (which didn't go well today yesterday was better...but I will never feel happy about a performance in which the type of floor renders my sounds inaudible) I'd had enough so I made a swift exit and went to find a place in the East Village to hide out until I was ready to face the world again. I went to Veselka to eat pierogi sitting at the counter, one of my favourite things, in an attempt to cheer myself up. I walked around a little. I bought sweatshirts I didn't need. None of this quite worked in fact it made me feel worse and made me start worrying about money so I made my way home and here I am on my bed trying some blog therapy instead. This is more effective. I also wrote myself a post-it that I will reproduce here:
You're doing SO WELL. You have a new resume credit and it's only February. You joined the gym and it's made a big difference already. You're putting the wheels in motion for a new dream right now. You don't have to do everything all at once. One thing at a time is fine. Be proud. You worked really hard last week so give yourself a break. Love, Tessa XxX
This is all true and important. Today wasn't great but every other day this week I achieved a lot. The key thing here is 'one thing at a time'. We all put pressure on ourselves. Lately my pressure has been 'you have to become the most physically fit you've ever been and you have to book a job and create some awesome choreography and learn to play this song and get another survival job and keep becoming a better tapper and remember to vocalise in the shower every day and have the perfect audition outfit every time and' you get the picture.
One thing at a time
Rome wasn't built in a day
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day - AA Milne
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience. -Tolstoy
Imma keep it cool and Imma do me, it is what it is and it's how it's gonna be until I get there
I know I've got flaws I know I'm not perfect but all the ups and downs will soon be worth it, when I get there - Lupe Fiasco
Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does. - Margaret Attwood
Dripping water wears away stone.
Having written all that down I feel much better. There are lots of auditions coming up, a number to prepare, a new and currently still secret plan to carry out, dancewear to obtain, songs to learn, laundry to do...it goes on and on and on and ooon. But in the interests of staying in a calm and happy place, I'm going to do one thing at a time.
It's 9.08. All I have to do tonight is
- Prep my bag for tomorrow, make sure I have the sheet music I need, my tap shoes and a snack.
- Do a SHORT core workout - 20 mins maximum
- Tidy up a little - put away a few clothes and things
- Get ready for bed
- Finish the week with some Netflix or reading.
And that's IT. And by publishing it on the internet I am making myself accountable. And if I go over the list and end up trying to do a bunch of other tasks that are not necessary at 9 on a Sunday, I have to confess my crimes in my next post.
Here I go, item 1.