Friday, January 9, 2015

Today is a bad day.

I'm not going to try and fight it.  I'm not doing things to try and shrug it off or put it in perspective. Shitty things happened and I'm struggling and I would like to acknowledge that and feel the crappy feelings.  They'll be gone in the morning but right now - shitty.

My phone broke.  It just had some stupid issue two days ago and shut down in the middle of the night so I woke up with no phone.  I know I know, First World problems.  Here's why it's a reason for me to lose my shit:
- I know there are people who will be trying to contact me but I have no way of knowing about it.  These people are trying to contact me about work and about rehearsals aka the two main things in my life.  So, goodbye, two main things in my life.
- On my phone I had apps for listening to music and also to audiobooks.  When I've had a long or stressful or tiring day, my subway ride home with my music or my audiobook is my solace, my moment of peace.  Coming home to an apartment I share with three guys is not always the most relaxing thing so I really needed that solace and moment of peace.  Goodbye to that.
- Everything I'm supposed to do for the next two months is on there in the calendar.  I feel lost.
- By going against my own principles and embracing the smartphone generation I was at least able to bring more organisation into my life - online banking app, PayPal, emails, OneDrive - all these things helping me keep my erratic life together in one location as I rush madly about town.  Goodbye to that.

I feel cheated, for being the only one who managed for so long without a fancy phone partly for money saving reasons and then, on finally getting one, having to spend a ton of money on trying to fix it.

I feel anxious because this has put me in a horrible financial situation.  I feel very upset because I was given some money for Christmas and was happy to have it there to use for something special somewhere down the line, or maybe to pay for flights to England, stuff that's meaningful.  Instead I had to use it for the sordid crappy purpose of fixing a phone that couldn't be fixed and then buying a new one that doesn't work.  That's not how I want to spend a gift.  It's really sad.

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