Thursday, February 28, 2013

How to turn some minced beef, onions, garlic, tomato sauce and refried beans into an evening of wacky surprises

Before you begin, make sure you have an Asian flatmate - you will need chopsticks later.

Got yours?


Step 1: Preheat oven.  I don't know what to because I don't know what system of measurement I'm dealing with anymore.  But it's kind of just before the middle.  Just preheat it, it's fine.

Step 2: Take your ingredients.  Chop onions and garlic, mix into beef.  Add refried beans.  Mash.  Add one egg.  Season to taste - I just took whatever was in the cupboard, which was salt, pepper, oregano, tabasco and a little garlic powder because I just love garlic.

Step 3: When your mixture is thoroughly smooshed together, take small portions and form them into balls with your hands.  (I also made a few burger patties.)

Step 4: Grease a baking tray with some olive oil.  Place meatballs spaced apart on tray.  Pour tomato sauce copiously over meatballs making sure they are all surrounded.

Step 5: Place tray into oven.  Wait a few mins.

Step 6: Take tray out of oven, turn over meatballs, redistribute sauce as necessary.

Step 7: Drop tray so that meatballs and sauce go everywhere, into all the nooks and crannies of the bottom of the oven door.  And some up the wall but miraculously none on your slippers.

Step 8: Shriek 'NO, NO!' Take a moment and wonder why your high volume shriek did not bring Jacob (only other person home) running.

Step 9: Stare for a few seconds, then begin working out how to clean up this mess.  Scoop what you can salvage into a pan.  Grab a cloth, any cloth.  This is where you need those chopsticks from earlier, oven doors have a surprising amount of little crevices.

Step 10: Spray it down, wipe it off, repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat.  Think about crying a little.

Step 11: When you have finished cleaning it all up, wash your hands a LOT.  Don't forget to throw the teatowel that got in the line of fire into a basin with warm water and bleach.

Step 12: Finish cooking what you salvaged in a frying pan.  It is now bolognese-type sauce.

Step 13: Pour a gin and orange (that's right) and call it a day.


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